A mother stopped by un-announced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch.....totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in- law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Friendship!
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we'?
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Can we have some water please'? the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too'? the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book....
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind..
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we'?
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Can we have some water please'? the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too'? the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book....
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind..
The Three Kick Rule - Very Funny
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Conclusion: When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you know which half.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Conclusion: When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you know which half.
Am I A Fireman Yet?... Must Read!
In Calgary, Alberta a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.
Although her heart was filled with sadness,she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..
the leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?'
Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up.'
Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can make your wish come true.'
Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Calgary , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta
She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!
And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'
'They're all manufactured right here in Calgary ,so we can get them fast.'
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.
Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Calgary that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls.
He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?'
'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'
'Billy, you are, and The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said
With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The angels have been
Singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.
Although her heart was filled with sadness,she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..
the leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?'
Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up.'
Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can make your wish come true.'
Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Calgary , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta
She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!
And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'
'They're all manufactured right here in Calgary ,so we can get them fast.'
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.
Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Calgary that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls.
He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?'
'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'
'Billy, you are, and The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said
With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The angels have been
Singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.
Don't copy if you can't paste!
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
How President George got Bushed?
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)