Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Zardari In Israel - Joke
Zardari (Present President Of Pakistan) goes on a state visit to Israel.
While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the accompanying Pakistanis, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'
The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and Tell him they want Zardari shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out gastroenteritis, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Pakistanis replied, 'Long ago a somebody named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take that chance with this man.'
While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the accompanying Pakistanis, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'
The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and Tell him they want Zardari shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out gastroenteritis, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Pakistanis replied, 'Long ago a somebody named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take that chance with this man.'
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Difference Between Google.com and Google.co.in
Difference from Google.com and Google.co.in explain.
Scroll down for answer :)
Scroll down for answer :)
Google.com Result
Google.co.in Result
ITS TRUE! Check out the result yourself by typing "removing" keyword in both Google.com and Google.co.in pages.
Do You Know What Really Pissed Me Off?
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails! "
"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."
After Sachin's Double century - Appraisal !!!
200 Runs/ 147Balls/ 25X4 / 3X6
Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT
25 x 4s = 100
3 x 6s = 18
IT implies that you have done 118 Runs in 28 Balls.
And 12 x 2s = 24
58 x 1s = 58
IT means you have done all 200 Runs in only 98 balls
So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls
Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable RUNS FOR OUR TEAM
MANAGER'S COMMENT: So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (though anyone of our team could not do it) and your Grade is C and you will get only 3 rating
Trainings for him: Learn from how to STEAL singles in every ball.
Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT
25 x 4s = 100
3 x 6s = 18
IT implies that you have done 118 Runs in 28 Balls.
And 12 x 2s = 24
58 x 1s = 58
IT means you have done all 200 Runs in only 98 balls
So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls
Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable RUNS FOR OUR TEAM
MANAGER'S COMMENT: So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (though anyone of our team could not do it) and your Grade is C and you will get only 3 rating
Trainings for him: Learn from how to STEAL singles in every ball.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sermon!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from
this demonstration?
Maya who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from
this demonstration?
Maya who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
Golden Words are not Repeated
Love your job but don't love your Company,
Because you may not know when your company stops loving you.
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
What is the Secret of SUCCESS? "RIGHT DECISIONS"
How do you make Right Decisions? "EXPERIENCE"
How do you get Experience? "WRONG DECISIONS!"
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
Without your involvement you can't succeed.
With your involvement you can't fail.
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
You are not responsible for what people think about you.
But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
STANLEY FERRARD
A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman.
A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
CHARLES DICKENS
Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
BILL JACOBS
It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love,
Than to lose the one you LOVE because of EGO!
JOHN KEATS
Don't make promise when you are in JOY. Don't reply when you are SAD.
Don't take decisions when you are ANGRY……. Think twice, Act wise.
Because you may not know when your company stops loving you.
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
What is the Secret of SUCCESS? "RIGHT DECISIONS"
How do you make Right Decisions? "EXPERIENCE"
How do you get Experience? "WRONG DECISIONS!"
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
Without your involvement you can't succeed.
With your involvement you can't fail.
Dr. ABDUL KALAM
You are not responsible for what people think about you.
But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
STANLEY FERRARD
A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman.
A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
CHARLES DICKENS
Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
BILL JACOBS
It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love,
Than to lose the one you LOVE because of EGO!
JOHN KEATS
Don't make promise when you are in JOY. Don't reply when you are SAD.
Don't take decisions when you are ANGRY……. Think twice, Act wise.
Human Resources Manager In Heaven!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
Some Important Laws Which Our Scientists Forgot to State!
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Three Management Lessons
LESSON NUMBER ONE
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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LESSON NUMBER TWO
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with Nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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LESSON NUMBER THREE
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Virginity Test
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.... .
Dead Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Why Are Americans Jobless?
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES ) . He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).
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