Why I Fired My Secretery?

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.
As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & i thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by......
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!!

The Nuns are at it again !!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers, before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!"

Bet and Balls

A Little Old Lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It s a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the Bank staff finally ushered her into the President s office (the customer is always right!). The bank`s President then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma am, I m surprised you re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The President then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The Old Woman said, "Well, for example, I ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the President, "That s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The Old Lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the President, "I ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the President got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the Little Old Lady appeared with her lawyer at the president s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the President s balls are square!" The President agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The President complied. The little Old Lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the President, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the Old Lady, "What the hell s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I d have The Bank of Canada s President s balls in my hand."

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It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!! His Name is Zonkey!!!!!!!

Krazzy Pictures - Part 04

Krazzy Pictures - Part 03

Krazzy Pictures - Part 02

Krazzy Pictures - Part 01

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Bastard - Joke

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

"Guts" and "Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!

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