Game of Intelligence

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

I Like The Way You Were Thinking

Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.".
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers.
"No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking.".

Zardari In Israel - Joke

Zardari (Present President Of Pakistan) goes on a state visit to Israel.

While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the accompanying Pakistanis, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'

The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and Tell him they want Zardari shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out gastroenteritis, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'

The Pakistanis replied, 'Long ago a somebody named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

We just can't take that chance with this man.'

Why Pappu Failed?

Do You Know What Really Pissed Me Off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails! "

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Sermon!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from
this demonstration?

Maya who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Human Resources Manager In Heaven!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Virginity Test

A young man was planning to get married and asked his  doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'
The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'
The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.... .

 

Dead Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Why Are Americans Jobless?

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES ) . He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).

Why I Fired My Secretery?

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.
As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & i thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by......
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!!

The Nuns are at it again !!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers, before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!"

Bet and Balls

A Little Old Lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It s a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the Bank staff finally ushered her into the President s office (the customer is always right!). The bank`s President then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma am, I m surprised you re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The President then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The Old Woman said, "Well, for example, I ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the President, "That s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The Old Lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the President, "I ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the President got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the Little Old Lady appeared with her lawyer at the president s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the President s balls are square!" The President agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The President complied. The little Old Lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the President, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the Old Lady, "What the hell s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I d have The Bank of Canada s President s balls in my hand."

Bastard - Joke

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

"Guts" and "Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!

A Krazy Love Letter and a Beautiful Reply!

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options (a)10 marks,
(b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.

1. Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn

Men have/are better Friends!

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her friend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best friends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion: Men have/are better friends

As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie.

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon.

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

Need Good Points then take care of your WIFE

How to take care of your wife:

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed (+1)


• You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)


• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)


• You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)


• In the rain (+8)


• But return with Beer (-5)


• You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)


• You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)


• You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)


• You pummel it with iron rod (+10)


• It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party (0)


• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)


• Named Tina (-4)


• Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner (0)


• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)


• Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)


• And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)


• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie (+2)


• You take her to a movie she likes (+4)


• You take her to a movie you hate (+6)


• You take her to a movie you like (-2)


• It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)


• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)


• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)


• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)


• You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]


• You hesitate in responding (-10)


• You reply, "Where?" (-35)


• Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)


• You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)


• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)


• She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

3 Ways To Catch Tiger

• NEWTON METHOD: let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed.

• EINSTEIN METHOD: run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.

• According to most efficient POLICE METHOD: Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.